Waiting To Live Again
by many things converge
Summary: The dead make way for the living, nurturing the earth so that it may grow and flourish. In this way, nothing ever really dies, it is simply waiting to live again. *shounen-ai K/H*
1. PART 1

A/N: I like this. I was deep without even realising it. Just one of those days when the words just flow from your fingertips without you even really thinking about it. Yes, this is Hiei/Kurama, if you didn't know. If you don't like shounen-ai, then beat it. If you DO, then by all means, enjoy. Oh, this one is kind of an 'inspiration only' type deal. Meaning I can't and won't write on demand. This one is just for people to contemplate, especially me. I'm gonna play with this one for a while. ^_~ 

**PART 1: REMEMBERING**

A soft wind blows through the open window. I sigh and my deep green eyes settle on nothing in particular. Despite the coolness of the shadow, and the glare of the sun, it's been a fitfull morning. My mind has been rolling with abstract thoughts; memories that seem to collide with one another, not related, but random peices of a puzzle that was never finished. 

I sigh again. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I can see ruby eyes glancing at me from the shade of the tree outside my bedroom window, in the upper branches. Rather than do a double take, I continue to stare into those heavenly eyes until they recede like a ghost fading into nothingness. I wish he was here now, and I remember.   
  
  
  
_A small yet stoic figure blocks the light of the setting sun from my window. Cast in an orange and purple glow, he seems almost a dream. A gust of wind, and the window breathes, inhaling him into the room to land gracefully on the rug in front of me. Crimson eyes sparkle with unforeseen depth. I never knew him to look so beautiful before. It's simply a wonder I haven't either jumped him or confessed my undying love to him yet. I foolishly wait, in hopes he might do one or the other. _

"Hn." It is his usual greeting. I should have expected no more, no less. Despite my dissapointment, I smile anyway, not forcing it. I really am glad to see him after all. 

"Hello Hiei." My voice is silky smooth, like his hair. I touched it once while he was sleeping. His having no other place to go but here during bad weather had proved to be a fortunate opportunity for me to get closer to him. Physically, if not emotionally. 

"Kurama," he says, with a slight nod, "what are you doing?" I struggle to regain my concentration. He is looking at the papers on my desk. A few of them have math problems scrawled accross them, and one is a Literature assignment, but dominating the desk are drawings, random sketches. Some are of various demons we had fought recently, some of my own imaginings, but most are of the fire youkai standing not two feet away from me. I hastily attempt to move those to the bottom of the pile of papers. 

"Just homework." I say it calmly enough, but it seems he is not fooled. Just as I am about to succeed in hiding the multiple Hiei's staring out at me from the pages, he has taken them from me, and is now standing just out of reach. He is always just out of reach. 

"Some homework," he says, but it seems he is not yet done. He walks toward me at a normal speed. Unusual for him; he sees no need not to make things as quick as possible. He shoves the papers under my nose, pointing to a sketch of himself staring out a window. One could see the trees outside, but the focus of the picture is clearly the man. He is pointing, specifically, to the eyes. 

"They're not dark enough."   
  
  
  
"Suuichi!" a voice drifts up from somewhere downstairs. My eyes refocus, the bark of the tree gaining detail along with the the yellow and gold leaves as the blur fades. 

"Yes, mother?!" 

"Come help me with the groceries, please!" 

Sighing, I stand from the bed. As I shut the door to my room, some of the memories seem to gush out with the air being expelled into the otherwise empty hallway. The house is cool and smells like home, and I make my way down the stairs to help my mother. 

*** 

I like autumn. Despite what one may think about it, it being the season in which most things die, it is extraordinarily beautiful. The colors are warm, and the air crisp. The gold of the trees makes it seem magical, and though I know what true magic is, it is to me. I have always loved plants, whether they be used for medicinal purposes, or are just pretty to look at, they sooth me. Nature is my home. It may be quite puzzling as to how something that is dying can increase in beauty. I am not one to solve such a delicate mystery; just let it be, and get lost in the mad beauty. 

Maybe it is because of the knowledge that all things return, eventually. The dead make way for the living, nurturing the earth so that it may grow and flourish. Autumn, and winter, in this sense, are only periods of hibernation. In this way, nothing ever really dies, it is simply waiting to live again. Part of me wonders if the same can be said for love. Does it die, fade away into the distance, only to come back later, refreshed and healthy once more? 

I'm afraid only time will tell... 


	2. PART 2

**A/N:** Look! Part 2! WEEEEHOOO!!! Anyway. Yes, this does have a plot, and NO, this is not the last chaptery-type-thing. I'll prolly be working on other stories for a while, so there n' stuff. Yeah. I'm tired, so ignore whatever doesn't make sense. 'Kay? Well, enjoy! 

OH! Review replies! YAY! 

Tatoosh: As always: you are my HERO! You seriously are very cool, and I thank you very much for your supportive and inspiring reviews. ^_^ 

ladystrider77: And look at me! I'm 'enthusiastically' writing it! ^_~ Very philosophical indeed. It will get more philosophical, no doubt, and probably is even now. That's just how I write Kurama, I guess. I'm glad you like it, and thanks for not commanding me! ^_~ 

Sophie: Thanks for your review, and yes, eventually, this has a plot. It's just that I'm doing this piece as a 'inspiration only' type deal. Where I write only when I am inspired, and not on command. I've done it for other fics and I've found that it causes me to lose interest quickly. thanks for understanding, and I hope you read more!   
  
  
  
  
**PART 2: THE RETURN**   
  
  
I walk past shop windows bearing sweets and trinkets of various design. The wind blows my crimson hair back behind me lightly, the frosty air nipping at my neck and my face. It's a Saturday, and the streets are packed with families and the occaisional tourist, but it all seems empty to me. My destination is not far off, only five minutes or so. I smile as the buildings lessen in number and size, and green begins to sprout at random from sidewalk cracks, and trees rise above quaint shop doorways. I approach the park cautiously, almost as if the sidewalk were a cliff, and one wrong step will send me hurtling over the edge to my doom. 

Even in Autumn, the grass is as green as my eyes, and it's refreshing to see it, to feel it beneath my feet, even if I am wearing shoes. I stop at an old bench. It's once glossy coat has faded to a soft grey, and black paint peels off of the arms to reveal the silver metal beneath. My breath catches in my throat as a ghostly vision of Hiei appears there, sitting cross-legged, and staring up at me as if willing me to sit next to him. I cannot help myself, and I do so.   
  
  
  
_"Come here often?" It is a simple question, but flirtatious nonetheless. Ruby eyes watch me from the far end of the bench, squinting; as if that will help him to better understand me. _

"No," comes a tentative reply, "only when you do." 

I smile faintly at him, and reach over to touch his hand. He does not flinch as I would expect him to in public. Otherwise he might be the one initiating it. You never can tell with Hiei. 

"Don't worry, Hiei," my smile turns lecherous, "I don't bite... often." 

A small smile replaces his usual rigidness, and a faint blush tinges his cheeks pink. 

"Baka kitsune..." 

I pull him closer, and put my arm around him, kissing his soft hair lightly. I can smell him, and his scent is spicy, like freshly ground cinnamon. We are comfortable here, together. I sigh contentedly when he squeezes my hand.   
  
  
  
The ghostly vision disappears, and I am left with a few odd stares from passers-by. Apparentally, I have spaced out for longer than intended. I shake my head from side to side as if that will clear it of the memories I hold so close to my heart. I continue to sit there, just staring into space for a moment or two. Then, I reach into my bag and remove my sketch book and some pencils. I look at the tree to the right of the bench I am sitting on, almost expecting to see him there again. And I do. 

He's sitting there on a lower branch, eyes twinkling with amusement and something I know all too well: sorrow. He says nothing, so I begin to draw. Every time I look up there he remains in the same position, not even moving a milimeter. I came here only expecting to draw the tree, and here he is, waiting for me. I finish the drawing off with a quick stroke of my pencil, and turn to him once more. 

"I drew the eyes dark, the way you like them." All this time he's been away, and that's the first thing to come out of my mouth. I feel like an idiot and, though he probably knows it, I won't let it show. 

"Thank you." He jumps down from his perch, and sits next to me once more. 

"Where did you go?" My voice is soft, like I might break down and cry right there. He notices this, and his features soften slightly, like they only did when he looked at me. 

"I... needed some time... to think..." 

He is clearly avoiding answering my question, so I won't push it... for now. I just pray that he stays this time. 

"Yes. I believe we both did... Truth be told, I didn't really expect you... to come back." 

"Baka kitsune..." But his eyes are glowing with guilt and that heart-shattering sorrow I knew from my own eyes when I looked in the mirror after he left. He reaches tentatively for my hand. I let him touch it, wanting the brief contact if only to assure myself that it is not, in fact, a dream. And now I know. It's real, _he's_ real, and I can even smell freshly ground cinnamon. 

So here we sit, two souls lost from each other, and just now finding our way back. The silence is understood; neither of us can say anything for fear of breaking the delicate illusion. There is a reason he has returned; it's not like Hiei to do something without some sort of reason. I just hope it's the right one. 


	3. PART 3

A/N: Okay, this is part three. **This IS a LIME**, so you have been warned. Normally I don't do anything citrusy, unless it's a big part of the plot. Which it is. So here's another chaptery-type-thing for you all. Things will become clearer as the story progresses. The memories will vary in length, but become progressively more vivid. You'll get what I mean when you read them. Thanks for all the kick ass reviews, and Tatoosh? If Part 2 made you cry, then you might wanna get some tissues for this one. ^_~ As always, enjoy! 

**PART 3: LOVERS**

I am sitting in my bedroom, staring out at the darkness, and the pounding rain through my open window. I'm hoping Hiei will come in tonight to get away from the cold. I remember the last time he did that. Smiling, I run my hand over the scarf that still hangs over my headboard. He left it there that night; whether it was on purpose or not, I cannot say. I sleep with it every night. It seems childish, I know, but it is so much a part of him, the only part that I've had for the longest time, that I could never let it go. I gather the soft cloth in my hands, and press my face to it, inhaling deeply. There it is again: freshly ground cinnamon, and something else. Winter. Yes, there is a trace of winter in his scent as well.   
  
  
  
_A sopping wet Hiei stands in the middle of my bedroom floor, arms accross his chest, trying to glare menacingly. He only manages to make me smile, because he looks like a little boy who hasn't gotten his way. Yet he still retains the age in his ruby eyes. All I can think of is that he looks absolutely adorable. I bite my thumb to keep from chuckling at the idea of what he would do to me should I tell him these thoughts. _

"Why don't I go get you some dry clothes, hm?" 

"Hn." 

I turn away, a smile dancing accross my mouth. Retrieving a shirt and a pair of shorts that should be just a little big on him, I turn back, only to drop the cloths I am holding. He's standing there, skin shining in the soft light from the lamp, water trickling down every slight curve of his body from his drenched hair. Heat rose in my cheeks, making me blush. I quickly picked up the clothes I had dropped, and handed them to Hiei, glancing anywhere but at him. 

"Embarrassed, fox? Hn. Not like you." The blush still hasn't faded from my cheeks, and I look at him now. He is only wearing the shorts, the shirt held out in front of him in a loose grip. I can feel something well up inside me. I have loved him for a long time, but never before have I felt that there could ever be a possibility of him loving me in return. Hope; that's what it is. 

He still hasn't put the shirt on, and we are simply staring at each other; crimson orbs meeting emrald ones. I swear I can see sparks fly between us. Something is happening to me, possibly to both of us, and I can't seem to stop myself from grabbing his shoulders, and bringing his lips to mine for a short, sweet kiss. He tastes wonderful, like snow falling from the sky. And it is over, as quickly as it has begun. 

"I- Hiei, I'm..." I struggle to find the words, but find that all that comes out of my mouth is all I've ever wanted to say. "I love you." 

Hiei's eyes widen slightly, and I think maybe he's disgusted with me. Hanging my head, tears course down my cheeks, burning me, at his rejection. Then I am suddenly enveloped in warmth. I open my eyes to find Hiei holding me tightly, possesively, even. My arms automatically bring themselves around his shoulders. I breathe in his scent again, relaxing into his soft black hair. 

"I love you too..." 

The earth stops spinning. 

"I just," he continues, lifting his head from my chest and looking into my eyes, "never knew... how to tell you, or what it even was at first." 

My mind is reeling with love, and our bodies are pressed so close together, and my tears are joyful, no longer burning, and all I see is the man in front of me; the man who holds my heart. I don't think, just feel. I press my lips to his, gently running my tongue along his bottom lip. He opens his mouth inviting me in, and I gladly take the invitation. He tastes like falling snow, and smells of cinnamon. His chest is hard and smooth as I run my hands over it to rest on his sides. 

The kiss is broken only to remove my shirt. Other garments fall to the floor, forgotten, as we make our way to my bed. We are touching each other, softly caressing the most intimate places. He touches me like I am made of glass, like I'm a precious treasure that should never be broken, and in this moment, when he is inside me, I feel loved. Completely and absolutely. Unconditionally loved.   
  
  
  
Hiei enters the room, jumping down from the window sill. His clothes are wet, and dripping onto the carpet. I smile softly at him, and he returns it. I walk to my dresser, and remove from it the same shorts and shirt as that night. they are the only ones I have that will fit him, after all. He changes right in front of me, not saying a word, and once he is done, he moves to the bed. I follow him, and settle underneath the down comforter, bringing it over him as well. No matter what has happened between us, he is always welcome here. 

"Goodnight, Hiei..." I whisper to him. 

"Goodnight, Kurama..." He whispers back, and two now warm arms encircle my waist. I want to push him away, tell him he's lost his chance, but in the end, it seems I can never really deny him anything. And I can't deny myself either. I wrap my arms around him protectively, as if I can keep him safe from his inner turmoil. We fall asleep in each others arms, and I dream about that night, reliving the feelings once more. 


	4. PART 4

**A/N:** This is part four! And no worries! It's not the last part! This one will explain a bit more, but not everything, so if you're thinking this is all, it's not. I decided to include the song that inspired me this time. Think it's called Song Bird, but I couldn't remember ^_^;;. ANYWAY! As always, enjoy! 

"'Cause everyone's singin'   
'We just wanna be heard!'   
Dissappearing everyday   
Without so much as a word somehow... 

Wanna grab ahold of a little song bird   
Take her for a ride   
To the top of the world right now..." --The Dixie Chicks   
  
**PART 4: BROKEN WINGS**

Sunlight slips slowly into my room, almost as if it is afraid to enter. I shift comfortably in the arms of my love, sighing contentedly and thinking that maybe things were back to normal. The sun gains more courage, and begs for me to open my eyes and see its beauty. I open my eyes only to see Hiei's face. Nothing is as beautiful as this. His features are somehow softer, gentler, in his sleep, and in the approaching morning light. Before I can stop it, my hand caresses his cheek. I now realise how fully I have missed the feel of his skin, the feel of his love. As he wakes, I cannot help but let a tear slip, then two, and then countless others. He's right here, and I still don't know whether or not I have lost him. 

"Kurama?" His voice is gritty from sleep, and through the blur of tears I can see him squinting at me. 

I can do nothing but let more tears come. My pale skin has turned rosy with the effort to expel the tears, the pain, from my body. 

"Don't cry, please..." Hiei's arms tighten around me, and I can see the concern evident on his face. And yet... I cannot help but doubt...   
  
  
  
_I sit alone, in a darkened corner of my room. I cannot even cry. All I can do is reread the note in my hand over and over, hoping each time I go to read it again that it will say something different, and he'll be here. _

**My fox, **

I'm sorry. I've caused you so much pain; more pain than I am worth. I was the Forbidden Child; no one was ever supposed to care about me, let alone love me. And now here you are, with open arms, and all I do in return is burn you. If I were you, I would be disgusted. My selfishness has made your life virtually unlivable. You have given me everything I could ever ask for. And all I can offer in return is pain. It is all I was ever meant to offer: this I now know. I'm sorry. 

Love,   
Hiei 

'Oh Hiei,' I think as I read it for the hundredth time, 'you've left. All other things I could deal with. I can manage my mother hating me, I can manage my friends at school hating me, but only if you're by my side.' He didn't understand. He wasn't the one causing me the pain; he was the only thing that could make it stop hurting. 

I put the note on the floor, and curl up into a whimpering ball next to it. 'What will I do without you?' It is a question that goes unanswered, echoing into the stagnant night air and rebounding off of empty streets for no one to hear.   
  
  
  
"I lost you," I babble into his chest, not caring what I say anymore, as long as he understands, "I lost you somewhere and you haven't come back! I don't know... I don't know if you've come back..." 

"Kurama... I'm right here; I'm here now. Look at me." He takes my face in his hands and gently forces it upwards. "I'm here now. I've come back." 

I cry harder, touch his hands, hold them to my face. 

"I thought you were never coming back, Hiei, I thought... that you didn't..." 

"That I didn't what?" There is fear in his voice, mixed with concern and confusion. I almost consider not telling him, or saying something different, but he is here, and he is so real, and I can almost taste him. I no longer have control of what I say to him. I don't think, just feel. 

"That you didn't love me." 

Shock is evident on his face, and I can feel his hands tense and move away from my face. For a doubt filled second, the tears cease flowing, and everything seems suspended in mid air. Then all I can see is the grey of his shirt as he crushes me to him. 

No words are spoken. There is no need for words. He has come back to me; all of him. The tears speak for themselves in the quiet morning. I am being held by him once again, and I am so glad. But it's still there; the doubt. Lessened, but still remaining. The way he flew before he left, you would've thought he had wings. And now it seems they're broken. What has happened to him? Where did he go? So many questions remain to be answered. 

When will it be safe to live again? 


	5. PART 5

**A/N:** All your questions shall be answered, and your answers questioned, all in good time. Just keep your pants on kids, and don't get all excited. Don't know what that means exactly, but I'm sure YOU understood it perfectly, ne? ^_~ Anyway, I reread PART 4 and I was like, 'I'm such a bastard!' And it was cool. ^_^ Anyway, I really don't know how much more there is gonna be (hopefully a lot), but I'm trying to find a way to explain this and then end it. Until that happens, here is part 5, part of the explanation, but not all. Oh, and the title of the song from last time is "Top of the World". Also, it says I have 26 reviews, but I can only see 20 of them. Idunno if it's just my comp being wired or what, but if you have any questions, feel free to e-mail them to me. So, ENJOY! 

  
**PART 5: HOURGLASS**

It's strange, really, how something can matter so much, be your whole world, one day, and the next, it is no more than dust floating away on the Autumn wind. My schoolwork used to be one of the most important things in my life. Sad, when I look at it now. But it made my mother happy. Now it seems that nothing I do can make her truly happy. I try in school, but it's difficult there. I feel like I can't breathe.   
  
  
  
_I approach my locker, thinking to get my Chemistry book and move on to the class, but I stop short. It's written in red. Like blood. But why would somebody write that on my locker? Why would anyone use such a word? _

**FAG**

That is what it says. And I can't breathe. All of the oxygen in my lungs has been expelled and no more is willing to come in. As the Youko, it was almost expected that I would have male lovers, but here, in the Ningenkai, it isn't easily accepted. And that word, that disgusting, derogatory name for a homosexual is written on my locker. Briefly, I wonder how it got there, who could've put it there. I knew it had to do with Hiei, but I thought we had been discreet, or at least not in public when we **weren't** being very discreet. Apparently, I thought wrong. 

I hear laughter from behind me. I almost cannot comprehend what is going on. Turning, I find that I am looking into the eyes of Kawamura Eishi, a boy from my AP Literature class. Just goes to show that not everyone with a brain is actually intelligent. 

"Like that, Suuichi?" he asks in a mocking tone. He holds up a tube of bright red lipstick, open, and tosses it at me. I make no move to catch it, and the stick of red leaves a long mark on my chest, like an open wound right over my heart. "Thought you might wanna decorate your locker like a girl, seein' as you like boys so much." 

The bell rings, but there are more people standing around us, and more coming. Some are laughing, and some are just staring indifferently. All I can do is stare straight ahead, shocked, to say the absolute least. Eishi seems to notice that I'm not responding at all, and the tuants begin. 

"C'mon Suuichi. Why don't you wear a skirt to school like all the other girls do?" 

More laughter, and my eyes glaze over, a hard shell replacing the open shock. I don't think Eishi notices, because he keeps at it, our audience cheering him on. 

"Awwww, you shy now? Maybe you'll feel better after you go fuck your boyfriend." 

I can't take it anymore; his hazel eyes burning into me, his voice pounding in my brain. Why is this affecting me so much? Why am I letting it? The two of us are now closed in a circle. Like a pack of wolves circling their prey, the students move, a mass of bodies taking on a single life. 

"Is that all?" 

The people stop moving. Eishi smiles, and cocks his head to one side as if waiting for more. One corner of my mouth twitches up into a cold half smile. My eyes momentarily flash gold, and Eishi stops smiling, perhaps wondering if what he saw was real, or just a trick of the light. 

"You disgust me." It is a general statement, but my voice is hard, cold like steel. Inside I am slowly melting, leaving only the hardened exterior to face the onslaught of gasps and shouts of protest. I walk slowly from the circle, people parting to let me through. I don't see them at all. Once I get out of the school, I break; fracture into a thousand, million pieces of myself. 

And I run. I run and I run and I just keep running. Time has stopped, but it's going by so fast, like sand through the hourglass falling, falling, only to stop mid-air, go back up and fall again, replaying the same moment inside of me as the grey concrete below me turns into the red carpeting of my room.   
  
  
  
I am going back to that cursed school once more today. Going back to where I broke; where I found out that whoever I was, I was neither the Youko _or_ Suuichi. I was somehwhere inbetween, I _am_ somwhere inbetween. 

Hiei still won't admit it, but he is worried about me. I told him not to, but he's probably still following me as I walk down the street. He always used to meet me out in the front of my school, and that's probably how we were discovered. I don't want to go back. I hardly even want to go back home. Sometimes I think maybe I can run away with Hiei. He might not be opposed to it, although I'm sure he'd miss my bed. But something inside of me won't let me leave. I can't leave my mother; Suuichi's mother. As much as she may hate me now, I can't bear to leave her. 

It's strange, really, how you can matter so much to someone, be somebody's whole world, one day, and the next, you are no more than dust floating away on the Autumn wind. Sometimes I can still feel some of the pieces inside of me clink together, still broken. And sometimes, I can't breathe at all. That's when the hourglass reverses, and I can see it all again; a fragmented memory of somebody elses life, far away from here. 


	6. PART 6

**A/N:** Sorry for the lack of update. I actually had this one all written down about a month ago, but we moved and just recently got the internet back. *Dances the dance of extreme happiness* Okay, so thanks to all those who've reviewed. I love you so much!!!! ARIGATOU for your patience! Well, here is the next part! 

PART 6: REDEMPTION 

A gentle kiss wakes me to the morning light, and I open my eyes knowing that things aren't the same. The face above me burns into me with crimson eyes, makes me want to cry. How many times before has he woken me this way? I smile up at him, marveling at his perfect pale skin as I trace his jawline with the tip of my finger. 

"Do you mean it?" 

For a moment his brow creases in confusion, and then the look is replaced by one of clarity. He leans down and closes his eyes in complete trust and kisses me deeply, our tongues battling for dominance that neither one will gain. The searing ache this contact gives me is taken away long enough for him to speak. 

"Baka kitsune..." 

"Hiei..." I say in a warning tone. His expression grows serious, and he replies. 

"With everything that I am... which isn't much..." He looks away, toward the open window. I reach up, and hold his chin firmly between my thumb and forefinger. I kiss him gently, quickly; nothing more than a mere touching of lips, but it speaks volumes. 

"But it's more than enough."   
  
  
  
_"Suuichi," my mother is speaking to me, and I'm slightly surprised by the sound of her voice. _

"Mother?" My voice is just above a whisper, and grainy. The mechanical beeps and whirs of the hospital equipment seem to quiet as I concentrate on my mothers voice. It's been so long, I'm almost afraid to hear what she might say. 

"Suuichi, I-I... I'm so sorry, Suuichi!" 

Through my slightly blurred vision, I can see the tears fall, landing with a soft 'pat, pat, pat' on my right shoulder. I reach up slowly and wipe her tears away. 

"It's not your fault, mother. Please don't cry." 

"No. I should've realised... you... they were just rumors, and anyway it doesn't matter. You're all I have left, Suuichi. I can't lose you too..." 

Adrenaline rushes through my aching body. It doesn't matter to her. She still loves me. It hurts to smile, and even more to cry, but I do both anyway. 

"You won't lose me, mother. I promise you that." 

Relieved crying permeates the silence and leaves the faint scent of salt and fear. And I hold my mother close as she cries like a child. The mechanical beeps and whirs that surround us keep rythm with my memories. I am almost choking on those memories, like something utterly disgusting is being shoved down my throat against my will. I can see it like it's happening right now, and the greying wood of the old 2x4 comes down in a swinging arc, and my world is pure black.   
  
  
  
"Where were you?" 

The question is met, as usual, with a sorrowful gaze and a lingering feeling of regret. I sigh dejectedly only to see Hiei open his mouth to speak. 

"The Makai... but mostly I was in my head." At my inquisitive glance, he begins to elaborate. 

"I was... not in a good place..." 

"You don't have to sugar-coat it for me, Hiei." My tone comes out harsher than I'd meant it to. I put my hand over his. 

"Kurama..." any remnant of a smile is gone, "I was considering suicide.." 

This does not sound like somethign Hiei would do; he's stronger than that. He had always said that suicide was weak and that, if honorable, one would die fighting. I sit, staring at him in shock. 

"I-I almost did it, too, but just as I was about to take the blade in my hand, I saw your face. I tried to think of what I had done to you; tried to make myself believe you hated me, but I just... I couldn't..." 

He collapses into my arms, hard tears rolling down his cheeks and hitting my chest. I smooth my hand over his wild hair as he clings to me. And it hits me: He trusts me; completely and fully. And this is a piece of him I haven't had before. For the first time since Hiei's return i've woken up knowing that things aren't the same; for the first time since Hiei's return, I've woken up with a smile on my face. 


	7. PART 7

**A/N:** It's best to listen to "Have A Little Faith In Me" by Joe Cocker when reading this. Funny name, I know, but everyone should know what song I mean. Seriously. In fact, I don't want you to read this Part until you have somehow acquired this song. Go download it off Kazaa or somethin' like that. Go on, hurry! And after this, be sure to read the author's note. THANKS! 

PART 7: WAITING TO LIVE AGAIN 

Well, things change as fast as the seasons. People leave, coming and going like the wind, as fickle as the rain, yet they return at some point. Hiei returned to me, all of him; his depressed, fragile self is back in my arms. Just as it should be, and we're working on it. All the little things that bother him are slowly getting fixed. I often tell him we are bandaging his wings, and he smiles begrudgingly at me, with the faint whisper of "baka kitsune". 

Things are what they are, I suppose, however screwed up they may get. I realised a lot of things in the short time Hiei was gone (though it felt more like an eternity) about myself, and my relationships with the people I love. Hiei is my light, and he is my life's blood. I think that without him, I might stop breathing. He is everything. It is as simple as that. My mother... I always felt like I owed her more than I could ever give, and now I know that she loves me unconditionally. She loves me for me. Some say that everything happens for a reason, and I guess, in my case, that was everything. Then there are some things that are just senseless, and shouldn't happen at all, but those situations, too, have made me stronger. 

I look out the window and see the rain pouring down from the sky like a waterfall. In the glass, I can see a reflection of myself, and just behind me is the form of a small sleeping fire youkai. I smile, and lean over him, brushing my lips over his. 

"Mmmm... Kurama..." His quiet whimpers make me smile, and I lay down next to him under the down comforter, wrap my arms around his muscular body. I love the way his bare skin feels against mine. Like silk rubbing against silk; it's a wonderful feeling, more so than any I've ever known...   
  
  
  
_A small yet stoic figure blocks the light of the setting sun from my window. Cast in an orange and purple glow, he seems almost a dream. A gust of wind, and the window breathes, inhaling him into the room to land gracefully on the rug in front of me. Crimson eyes sparkle with unforeseen depth. I never knew him to look so beautiful before. It's simply a wonder I haven't either jumped him or confessed my undying love to him yet. I foolishly wait, in hopes he might do one or the other.   
  
  
I pull him closer, and put my arm around him, kissing his soft hair lightly. I can smell him, and his scent is spicy, like freshly ground cinnamon. We are comfortable here, together. I sigh contentedly when he squeezes my hand.   
  
  
We are touching each other, softly caressing the most intimate places. He touches me like I am made of glass, like I'm a precious treasure that should never be broken, and in this moment, when he is inside me, I feel loved. Completely and absolutely. Unconditionally loved.   
  
  
'What will I do without you?' It is a question that goes unanswered, echoing into the stagnant night air and rebounding off of empty streets for no one to hear.   
  
  
Once I get out of the school, I break; fracture into a thousand, million pieces of myself. And I run. I run and I run and I just keep running. Time has stopped, but it's going by so fast, like sand through the hourglass falling, falling, only to stop mid-air, go back up and fall again, replaying the same moment inside of me as the grey concrete below me turns into the red carpeting of my room.   
  
  
Relieved crying permeates the silence and leaves the faint scent of salt and fear. And I hold my mother close as she cries like a child. The mechanical beeps and whirs that surround us keep rythm with my memories. I am almost choking on those memories, like something utterly disgusting is being shoved down my throat against my will. I can see it like it's happening right now, and the greying wood of the old 2x4 comes down in a swinging arc, and my world is pure black._   
  
  
  
I like autumn. Despite what one may think about it, it being the season in which most things die, it is extraordinarily beautiful. The colors are warm, and the air crisp. The gold of the trees makes it seem magical, and though I know what true magic is, it is to me. I have always loved plants, whether they be used for medicinal purposes, or are just pretty to look at, they sooth me. Nature is my home. It may be quite puzzling as to how something that is dying can increase in beauty. I am not one to solve such a delicate mystery; just let it be, and get lost in the mad beauty. 

Maybe it is because of the knowledge that all things return, eventually. The dead make way for the living, nurturing the earth so that it may grow and flourish. Autumn, and winter, in this sense, are only periods of hibernation. In this way, nothing ever really dies, it is simply waiting to live again. 


	8. Let Us End It With This

Well, kids, it's over now. But it was fun while it lasted, ne? This one was certainly a learning experience for me. I can't really put into words what I got out of it. It's more one of those things that you just kinda... absorb, ya know? 

My inspiration for this fic was spurred by music; in fact, music became the ultimate factor as to what the tone of certain chapters would be, and how the story would turn out. Seven parts in all; short, but I'm proud that I've finished it. If I feel so inclined, there may be a sequel, though I'm not making any promises. 

In a way, I think this fanfic showed a side of Kurama that not many of us see, or even really think about. The unsureness, the panic, and the small part of him that still doesn't understand or know much about life, despite his age. This turned out to be the main theme of the fic; that and the age-old phrase, "Love can conquer all." But I digress ^_~. 

I want you all to know that I thank you very much for your reviews and the time you took to read this. You don't know how grateful I am to you all for your support and understanding. And as for those of you who might not be entirely happy with the ending, well, I can understand. But I _am_. Another important lesson I tried to convey through this fic was that you are perfect _with_ all of your faults. This story... is what it is. It is sad, and it is beautiful, and it is what I'd hoped it would turn out to be.   
  
C'mon people. Have a little faith. ^_~ 

Much love,   
Sarah (ChasingMaybe) 


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